Black, white, or grey?

The realization that I am so incredibly ignorant of everything around me hit me today like a huge dumping of water. It is like I all of a sudden was told to breathe but I could not, for I almost drowned in the depth of my ignorance.

In our Bible reading group, after reading Acts and also Ephesians and Matthew, we discussed our thoughts and questions about each book. We really delved into conversation and some really interesting ideas and concepts and questions arise, and it’s awesome to be able to share and discuss in an intellectual and involved group setting. Yet I never knew how much I did not know. I barely know anything about any other religions, or worldviews, or science. And these are all helpful and crucial to know when it comes to sharing my own faith. So in these past few days I have been asking myself why I do not know much of anything? Do not get me wrong, I am educated, and I know many things, especially considering I am only eighteen years old, but really, what do I know? And of what I do know, how much of it will really help me? How do I go about learning more about everything going on in the world? Where do I even start?

Then I realized another appalling fact. I am not only unaware and uninformed when it comes to other faiths and other worldly values, but I am so ignorant inside of my own faith. How much of the Word of God do I really know? I can barely quote John 3:16, the most well-known Bible verse. My limited knowledge of the Bible is so unhelpful. The fact that I hardly know about the Scriptures does nothing to support what I believe for myself. And it’s not even that I don’t really know the Bible well enough, but I also hold no stance on the theological front of Christianity. When my Bible reading group was discussing our questions, so many different theological beliefs and views came up, and I had hardly heard of any of them. More questions came to my head, and my heart. Why do I believe what I believe if I do not even know what I believe? How come I do not know anything about my own faith? What has led me to this ignorance? How can I steer away from that and begin to learn more?  

I also learned that there is a balance in everything. There is a balance of understanding when it comes to God being so awesome and so great and yet so personal. There is balance between the “just right” amount of theology with the perfect amount of faith and trust in our Saviour. There is balance when it comes to mixing black and white to get the right shade of grey. In everything, there is balance. It takes work to achieve the right mixture and solution for every different situation.

So I have many questions in my mind. There are many new things that I am realizing and learning and working towards. It is an exhausting but exhilarating process all at the same time. As I grow in each new experience, I am doing my best to always turn to Jesus and talk to him about all that is going on. I keep asking him what to do and what is right and what he wants for my life, but I am also realizing that nothing with Him is ever really just pure black or pure white. Jesus was the exact example of grey, of balance, of knowing what to say and when and how. He lived within the shades of grey; he had the perfect answers to every question. So as I search for the answers to all my questions in him and I strive to live like him every day, I am pursuing the concept of grey and what the “black and white” matters of this world have to do with that.

Love always,
Fina